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Super Diaper Baby Duology (Live)
(We cut to the outside of a building before some text pops up) Text: The G-man reviews Super Diaper Baby live! (After the text goes away, we cut to a seating area with a large screen at the end of the room that’s inside of the building. The G-man runs into the room and the audience applauds) G-man: Hey, there! How’s everyone doing? (The audience cheers) Awesome! So, we’ve got another comic to review today, and since it’s a live show, I’ve gotta review it with a guest. So, let’s spin the wheel! (Cut to a wheel with names of previous guests on it. The wheel spins and lands on Joe Santagato’s name. cut back to the G-man) G-man: Call Joe! (Cut to Joe Santagato on his laptop when his phone rings. He sighs and picks it up. During their conversation, it cuts between them) Joe: What? G-man (Happily): Guess who? Joe: Oh for fuck’s sake… Look, I’m not reviewing another Barney movie, okay? G-man: I’m not asking you to review a Barney movie, I’m asking you to review a comic! Joe (Sighing): Fine… Be right there. (Joe stands up and walks out of frame, and then he walks into the room the G-man is in. The audience applauds again) Joe: So, what’s the comic? G-man: I’m glad you asked! Today we’re reviewing Super Diaper Baby by Dav Pilkey! (Cut to the cover of the comic. The audience cheers) Joe (V.O): Who the fuck is Super Diaper Baby? G-man (V.O): Apparently, this is set in the same universe as Captain Underpants, and like Ook and Gluk, it’s written by the two main characters, George and Harold. (Cut back to the duo) Joe: Let’s get this over with. This is- G-man: Hold up! We’re forgetting the most important thing! Joe: What’s that? G-man: Five! Six! Seven! Eight! (The G-man’s theme starts to play as the audience cheers and sings along) Song and audience (Singing): C’mon now let’s review some shit! You know it is my job. I feel like I’m the guy who’s only doin’ this! With my sword in my hand, I’ll find a way to tear it down. I won’t quit at all now, it’s a path I will go. But I won’t stop, ‘cause I’ll be there for you. Until the end, I will let you all know my name! (The audience cheers as we cut back to the cover of the comic) Joe (V.O): The cover depicts our hero, Super Diaper Baby, his sidekick, and the villain, a… (We zoom in on the villain) A piece of shit? G-man, what the hell is this?! G-man: I don’t know! I only plan this stuff! (Cut to the introduction) The origin of this comic is about the time George and Harold get sent to Mr. Krupp’s office for skateboarding on ketchup packets in the gym. He tells the boys to write a 100-page essay about good citizenship without using Captain Underpants. So they instead make a new comic with a new character. That character is Super Diaper Baby. Then we get into the actual story. Joe (V.O): It begins with a couple named Bill and Mary Hoskins speeding to the hospital because Mary’s about to give birth. After an annoying, and repetitive joke, we meet our main villains: Deputy Dangerous, and his pet, Danger Dog. They set up a trap for Captain Underpants to take away his super powers with, and I’m not even joking: "Super Power Taker-Awayer Ray 2000". (Cut back to the duo) Joe: Worst. Name. Ever. (Cut back to the comic) Joe (V.O as Captain Underpants): What happened? I-I-I feel so weak. G-man (V.O as Deputy Dangerous): That’s because I took your powers away! Haw haw haw! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (In normal voice): Did you make him laugh like “Haw haw haw!” because he’s a cowboy? That’s jobist! Joe (In normal voice): Um… Jobist? G-man: Yeah! There’s racist, sexist, why not jobist? (Joe facepalms before we cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): The Captain’s powers were transformed into a juice that Danger Dog drinks half of. Before Deputy Dangerous can drink the rest, the police arrive to arrest him. (As officer) We heard somebody fire an illegal "Super Power Taker-Awayer 2000". (Cut back to the duo) G-man (In normal voice): Seriously, could they come up any names worse than this? (Cut back to the comic) Joe (V.O): The evil duo escapes with the juice. Back at the hospital, Mary gives birth to our hero. (As doctor): Congratulations! You got a baby boy! Now I have to give him the "Spank of Life". G-man (V.O as Bill): Aw man, can’t you just give him a time-out? Joe (V.O as doctor): No way. It’s a tradition. All doctors do this. (In normal voice) He accidentally spanks the baby out the window… (Cut back to the duo) Joe: Someone get Mr. Pilkey to a therapist, and fast! (Cut back to the comic) Joe (V.O): And if that wasn’t enough, Deputy Dangerous and Danger Dog were flying by that same hospital. And the baby lands in the juice. Drinking it in the process. (There’s a moment of silence before Joe speaks again) If that’s not a coincidence, I don’t know what is! G-man (V.O in normal voice): And this is where Flip-o-Rama comes into play. How does it work? You flip a page back and forth multiple times until it creates a two-framed animation. Here, it’s Super Diaper Baby beating up Deputy Dangerous. (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Wow, I got through all of that with a straight face! (The audience applauds) Thanks? (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): After giving the doctor who accidentally flung him out the window a spanking, his parents, who for some reason are not phased by it, name him Billy. And that’s what we’re referring him as from now on. Because we’re tired of saying “Super Diaper Baby”. Joe (V.O): Meanwhile, Deputy Dangerous and Danger Dog escape from prison and fly to their secret laboratory. Once there, he creates the Danger Crib 2000. (As Deputy Dangerous) At midnight tonight, this heat-seeking dish will zap Super Diaper Baby’s powers! Then his powers will be beamed by satellite into my new helmet. Then I will get all of his super powers. (Cut back to the duo) Joe (In normal voice): That’s impressive, but where did he get the satellite from? Geez, Amazon really DOES sell everything! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): But at 11:59, Billy shits himself and the machine activates. It beams his poop into the satellite, and into the Deputy’s helmet. Turning him into a literal piece of shit. He takes a walk through the city to get some ideas, but while thinking, he gets stepped on. Back at his lab, he builds a giant, robotic ant and begins destroying the city with it. Joe (V.O): Danger Dog now refers him as “Deputy Doo-Doo”, but we’ll just call him the Deputy because that’s just stupid. Luckily, Billy arrives at the scene after his parents quote the song "Don’t be a Hero" for some damn reason. Unfortunately, he gets captured by the Deputy’s machine. He decides to actually KILL HIM by dropping him into a Nuclear Power Plant! (Cut back to the duo) Joe: …What the fuck is wrong with Dav?! G-man: This is more worse than that Flip-o-Rama of that dinosaur throwing up into the villain’s mouth in Ook and Gluk! Joe: …Where do you find this stuff? (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Luckily, Danger Dog has a change of heart and saves Billy at the last second as the Deputy falls in trying to stop him. He gets his name changed to Diaper Dog… (Cut back to the duo briefly) Because why not? (Cut back to the comic) But back at the power plant, the Deputy starts to grow from the nuclear radiation. (As the Deputy) I’ll get you Super Diaper Baby, and your little dog, too! (Cut back to the duo) Joe: Dude, rule number one of being in a bad comic; don’t mention or reverence any media that’s better than you! (Cut back to the comic) Joe (V.O): Billy and Diaper Dog hear about the commotion and fly off to the rescue. (As Diaper Dog): Don’t tough him! He has absorbed all the nuclear radiation from that power plant. You’ll get mutated! (Cut back to the duo) Joe (In normal voice): There’s a happy image for you! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): They discover that the only way to beat him up is to make him beat himself up. After getting a few hits in him, they fly over to, and I’m quoting from the comic: "Bob’s Toilet Paper Co.". (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) Just… Just don’t question it. Joe (V.O): They wrap the Deputy in the giant roll and bring him to where all evil shits go. G-man (V.O): Prison? Joe (V.O): Nope. Fucking Uranus! (Cut back to the duo) Joe: Are you really going there? That has got to be the most ridiculous conclusion ever! G-man: Really? Well, let’s see what happens next… (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): On their way back to Earth, they stop at Mars for some refreshments, they notice they sell Super Power Juice, they buy it, they fly back to where Captain Underpants, who somehow hasn’t died yet, and they give it to him. After that, they fly home, and the comic ends. (Cut back to the duo. Joe’s mouth is gaping while G-man looks unamused) Joe: What. The. Fuck. Was. That?! Seriously, that was the most complex comic I’ve ever read! But you want to know what’s worse? G-man: Uh… What? (Joe holds up Super Diaper Baby 2) Joe: It has a damn sequel! (The "Dun, dun, dun!" music plays as the G-man looks at the comic in disbelief) G-man: Are you serious?! Joe: Yeah! The comic was so successful, it had a sequel! G-man (Sighing): Well, let’s get this out of the way, too… (Cut to the cover of the comic) G-man (V.O): The cover depicts our heroes, and two new villains. One of them being a giant blob of piss. It recaps the story from the first comic, and after that, we get right into this one. Joe (V.O): We see Billy and his family going for a picnic in the park when Bill gets hurt. We see a small montage of kids asking Bill for help, but since he’s still healing, Billy and Diaper Dog help them instead. (Cut back to the duo) G-man: Geez, talk about stealing the spotlight! (Cut back to the comic) Joe (V.O): We then meet our main villains; Dr. Dilbert Dinkle and his evil cat, Petey. They plan on robbing a bank with his new invention: The Liquidator 2000. G-man (V.O): Does that turn stuff into water? Joe (V.O): How did you-? G-man (V.O): Just a simple guess. Also, there’s this stupid running gag: (As Dr. Dilbert) That’s a Y.P, not an M.P. Joe (V.O as Petey): Huh? G-man (V.O as Dr. Dilbert): That’s Your Problem, not My Problem. (Cut back to the duo) G-man (In normal voice): And that joke repeats itself over and over! And guess what? It’s never funny! (Cut back to the comic) Joe (V.O in normal voice): Petey accidentally activates the machine, turning Dr. Dilbert into a literal man made of water. He chases after his evil cat, but in the process, they break the machine. Meaning Dr. Dilbert can never turn back into a human. (Cut back to the duo) Joe (Sarcastically): Oh no! It’s not like he can build another one to reverse the effect! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): They make a clean break with the money, and Dr. Dilbert makes the dumbest statement I’ve ever heard in a kids’ comic: (As Dr. Dilbert) And the best part about being made of water is that I never have to pay my water bill ever again! Think of the savings! Joe (V.O as Petey): Hey, what about me? I still need water! G-man (V.O as Dr. Dilbert): I don’t see YOU payin’ no bills! (Cut back to the duo) G-man (In normal voice): Seriously, dude. Karma’s gonna get you in the ass! (Cut back to the comic) Joe (V.O in normal voice): 2 weeks later… (As Petey): You didn’t pay our water bill, did you? The city turned our water off and I’m thirsty! G-man (V.O as Dr. Dilbert): That’s a Y.P, not an M.P! (In normal voice) Still. Not. Funny. Anyway, this is where things start to go haywire: Dr. Dilbert falls asleep, and due to his thirst, Petey drinks him. In the morning, he gets turned into a blob of piss. And after one more annoying Y.P/M.P joke, our story continues. Joe (V.O in normal voice): Petey dubs him as, and I’m not joking here, "Rip Van Tinkle". But we’re just calling him Dr. Dilbert because, again, that name is stupid! (Cut back to the duo) G-man: What is with these comics and giving the villains dumb names? Joe: I know, right? Even Hugh Mungus would be like, “Who names their kid this?”! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Dr. Dilbert attempts to go shopping, but everyone kicks him out because he smells like pee. And this is when the comic literally goes nowhere. They recreate How the Grinch Stole Christmas! Joe (V.O): What?! Who thought this was a good idea? G-man (V.O): Apparently, Dav Pilkey! Dr. Dinkle multiplies himself into multiple droplets to steal toilets… (Cut back to the duo briefly) Why did I say that? (Cut back to the comic) And everyone pisses themselves. And… That’s it. (Cut back to the duo) Joe: What do you mean by “That’s it”? G-man: I mean, that’s it! That’s his plan! Joe: Are you saying they went through all that trouble just so people would wet their pants and smell like pee?! G-man: Yep… Joe: Ugh! That’s the stupidest plan I’ve ever heard! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Feeling the same way, Petey comes up with a plan. But before we can hear it, we head back to the Hoskins’ house where they’re watch a live news report. (As news anchor) As you all know, everybody’s toilet got stolen last night. Nobody has a place to pee anymore, so the Mayor has drained the city’s pool… (The text “Plot Point Alert” pops up as a siren is heard. Cut back to the duo with Joe looking around confused) Joe: What the fuck was that? G-man (In normal voice): Ah, the Plot Point Alert, always there when I need it! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): It turns out that Petey’s plan was to steal every diaper in town and sell then to the citizens. Making lots of money in the process. Yeah, what’ll happen if they find a brand they recognize? Joe (V.O): The two villains get into an argument as to who’s idea it was, and Petey steals a giant roll of toilet paper from Bob’s Toilet Paper Co. Absorbing Dr. Dinkle with it. But there was one drop of pee left, so Petey chucks it away. G-man (V.O): Billy and Diaper Dog show up to stop Petey, but he transforms his giant robot that he uses to destroy the toilets into a fighting robot. (Cut back to the duo) Joe: That’s just fucking stupid! G-man: Oh, really? Then you’ll think this next part is EXTRA fucking stupid! (Cut back to the comic) G-man (V.O): Just as Petey is about to kill Diaper Dog, Billy gets a giant tin of catnip, and pours its contents into Petey’s helm. Making him go, and I’m not joking, Koo-Koo for Kitty Nip! Joe (V.O): What?! That’s got to be the most terrible high ever! (Cut back to the comic) G-man: That’s like if someone threw a bar of soap at me and- Someone in audience: Hey G-man, catch! (The person in the audience throws a bar of soap at the G-man’s head. When he gets hit he starts laughing uncontrollably. Making Joe very uncomfortable) Joe: Why did I agree to this…? (Cut back to the comic) Joe (V.O): They take Petey to jail, but the remaining droplet of Dr. Dinkle gets thrown into the pool mentioned earlier that’s now full of piss. Recreating Dr. Dinkle into what we saw on the cover. (As Dr. Dinkle) Where’s that stupid cat? G-man (V.O as Diaper Dog): He’s in jail! You’re dealing with US now! (In normal voice) They attempt to strike, but Pisszilla here is too powerful. And after crushing them with buildings multiple times, somehow, they survive. (Cut back to the duo) Joe (In normal voice): How hard can it be to kill one superhero?! Doomsday did it, and he killed fucking Superman! G-man: Well, kind of, he DID live in the end. Joe: What did I say about ruining Keith’s dreams?! G-man (Sighing): Only let Joe do it… Joe: That’s what I thought. (Cut back to the comic) Joe (V.O): Somehow, they manage to push the Earth away from the sun, not caring about the people on the other side of the world, and Dr. Dinkle freezes solid. But before they take him away, Billy gets an idea. G-man (V.O): They bring the frozen villain to their house to fake a heroic act for Billy’s father. Afterwards, they bring Dr. Dinkle to, you guessed it! Fucking Uranus with the Deputy still there who may or may not have suffocated. They move the Earth back to its proper place, Billy’s father is labelled as a hero, and that’s the end. (Cut back to the duo) Joe: Holy hell, that was awful! G-man: Yeah, but it’s a kids’ comic. What did you expect? Joe: Quality! Morals! You know, normal stuff a kids’ book would have! G-man: Listen, why don’t we- (Suddenly, the screen behind them goes to static, and then it cuts to Linkara in his usual location) Linkara: You son of a bitch! G-man: Oh, for the love of Pete… Linkara: Why the hell did you pick Joe Santagato over me?! Am I suddenly not good enough for you? Joe: Look, he said he spun a wheel and it landed on my name. So, go back to your geeking out, or whatever. Linkara: GEEKING OUT?! G-man: Yeah, let’s just sign some autographs before this gets messy… (The G-man grabs Joe’s hand and runs out of the room. Leaving Linkara alone) Linkara: Get back here, you jackass! Ugh! Fuck this! (The screen turns to static, and then to text that says "THE END" in all capital letters. The audience stands up and applauds as the review ends) Category:Episode Category:Special